tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post2848535779600371746..comments2023-10-17T07:00:42.718-03:00Comments on Love YA: Team Mónica #8 -- BREAK FREEAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00482654021641010175noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-67470254802437073192012-05-22T10:10:30.535-04:002012-05-22T10:10:30.535-04:00#8 BREAK FREE
Query:
You certainly set the stake...#8 BREAK FREE<br /><br />Query:<br /><br />You certainly set the stakes high in this query. My only hang-up is that I don’t feel like I get a strong sense of Kiel as a character. In the first paragraph, he seems like a victim of the Baron, but then in the second it’s implied that Izzy (and therefore the reader) shouldn’t trust him. What makes him untrustworthy? Was it criminal activity that put him in the Baron’s debt? If he’s not completely innocent, you may want to hint at that when you introduce him, rather than just tell us he’s a courier.<br /><br />First page:<br /><br />I really like the zippy, slightly humorous tone you’ve established here. It seems to promise a good, rollicking adventure. I love “It almost looked pretty. It always looked rich.” And you leave us hanging on a great note.<br /><br />In the first paragraph, stick a comma after “vanished package.”<br /><br />Assuming you stick with this tone throughout, I wonder if “BREAK FREE” is the best title for this book. Something a little quirkier might be a better fit.Tara Dairmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02553180762608936696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-65579246801680368532012-05-21T11:21:08.358-04:002012-05-21T11:21:08.358-04:00I vote for you!I vote for you!Andrea Sombergnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-4691160083102010102012-05-20T14:09:27.565-04:002012-05-20T14:09:27.565-04:00Very unique and interesting concept! You first lin...Very unique and interesting concept! You first line is perfect--throws us right into the conflict and action. I haven't read much in the way of fantasy, but I'd pick this up. Good luck!Noelle Henryhttp://noellehenry.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-15291984232695583322012-05-19T16:35:37.378-04:002012-05-19T16:35:37.378-04:00Um, LOVE: Her beauty and kind nature chain Kiel so...Um, LOVE: Her beauty and kind nature chain Kiel so tightly he starts to forget about his freedom. I would pick this off a shelf, read the book cover and take it home. Love, love, love this idea. It's nice to read a male MC in YA that would interest girls!Jennie Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02088195986628533511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-71296048200591196842012-05-19T16:14:30.803-04:002012-05-19T16:14:30.803-04:00I remember this from the preliminary round - still...I remember this from the preliminary round - still really enjoy it. I really like your first two paragraphs in your opening scene. Good luck to you!Kimberly Gabrielhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05588782441929008886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-74613792159550530162012-05-19T01:39:31.081-04:002012-05-19T01:39:31.081-04:00Great conflict. An interesting MC.
Good luck!Great conflict. An interesting MC.<br /><br />Good luck!TYHatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00654651712633828288noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-64464645339912883652012-05-18T18:48:09.533-04:002012-05-18T18:48:09.533-04:00You had me at "balls up!" Good luck!You had me at "balls up!" Good luck!Jamie Corriganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11837319723353425561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-30656943469579411262012-05-18T16:12:05.808-04:002012-05-18T16:12:05.808-04:00Love the voice here. Good luck!Love the voice here. Good luck!Sarah Hensonhttp://wordencounters.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-85650162695994788352012-05-18T16:03:00.396-04:002012-05-18T16:03:00.396-04:00What gets me with this entry is that wry humor in ...What gets me with this entry is that wry humor in the excerpt - I just love it.Becca C.http://beccaweston.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-13493834345475997182012-05-18T12:25:35.322-04:002012-05-18T12:25:35.322-04:00Excellent! A very compelling first page and an in...Excellent! A very compelling first page and an intriguing query. Loved it!Lisa K.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00379245068324225101noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-7270679761261781442012-05-18T10:39:20.917-04:002012-05-18T10:39:20.917-04:00A jungle of untamed magic? ASSASSINS? Yes please!...A jungle of untamed magic? ASSASSINS? Yes please! sounds awesome - good luck!Leigh Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15827971896088856057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-27263435311210335012012-05-18T08:45:37.570-04:002012-05-18T08:45:37.570-04:00Love this! Fantastic query, and the opening immedi...Love this! Fantastic query, and the opening immediately sets up the stakes and the MC's personality. Fantastic!Jamie Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07504892632149036762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-36110123745741099572012-05-17T21:00:16.451-04:002012-05-17T21:00:16.451-04:00Yours is one of my favorites! Definitely sounds ho...Yours is one of my favorites! Definitely sounds hooking! Good luck!The Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07773479939559180654noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-45484730822863775532012-05-17T17:47:15.439-04:002012-05-17T17:47:15.439-04:00This is awesome. Talk about conflict! Good luckThis is awesome. Talk about conflict! Good lucktlbodinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08334888426768433724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-75579389714766348612012-05-17T17:46:33.932-04:002012-05-17T17:46:33.932-04:00Great use of description in your query--I love the...Great use of description in your query--I love the stakes that you set. I want to know: freedom or Izzy?!Valeriehttp://www.valerie-cole.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-61509025645105663392012-05-17T14:33:29.854-04:002012-05-17T14:33:29.854-04:00"magic where trees can kill and flowers can r..."magic where trees can kill and flowers can resurrect the dead" WOW. Very cool. Ha. I just noticed Kimberly said the same thing! Great writing too!!erica m. chapmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14773306703153110737noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-18933189460482533142012-05-17T14:21:36.214-04:002012-05-17T14:21:36.214-04:00"It almost looked pretty. It always looked ri..."It almost looked pretty. It always looked rich."<br /><br />I love those lines! Go Team Monica!Ambiguous_Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14401920531742299549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-71632009116947185922012-05-17T14:05:51.914-04:002012-05-17T14:05:51.914-04:00How can you not love a story that uses the phrase,...How can you not love a story that uses the phrase, "but it goes balls up"? I mean, come on :) It's great, good job!April Wallhttp://aewelch.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-32174986930810826612012-05-17T11:39:08.972-04:002012-05-17T11:39:08.972-04:00"Trees that kill and flowers that resurrect t..."Trees that kill and flowers that resurrect the dead." Amazing. I have no words. It's brilliant. Go Team Monica!!!Kimberlyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01563329666140091151noreply@blogger.com