tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post4038304526554316789..comments2023-10-17T07:00:42.718-03:00Comments on Love YA: Team Mónica #9 -- JUMPING OFF BRIDGESAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00482654021641010175noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-75517257481765413352012-05-22T10:11:12.626-04:002012-05-22T10:11:12.626-04:00#9 JUMPING OFF BRIDGES
Query:
You present some i...#9 JUMPING OFF BRIDGES<br /><br />Query:<br /><br />You present some intriguing images here, but I have to admit that I was often confused reading through this. I have no idea what a co-McJober is and read back through the first paragraph looking for a clue. I also don’t understand what the three people who dim the voice for Eli have in common (are they all female? The thief’s gender isn’t clear.). I do really like how the twist is that it’s a troll luring everyone into jumping off of a bridge—that seems like a really clever and different concept. <br /><br />I think that the second sentence of the second paragraph should start with “And” rather than “Yet,” since you’ve started the previous sentence with “However.” <br /><br />First page:<br /><br />Your description of Derek at the end of the page is pretty freaky, and you certainly pique my curiosity about how he ended up that way. Overall the writing seems solid, and you set up plenty of questions that would make the reader turn the page.<br /><br />One nitpick: The line “It was the same three-bedroom bungalow…” made me think it was actually Eli’s old house. Since it’s not, maybe “It was the same type of three-bedroom bungalow...” would work better.Tara Dairmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02553180762608936696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-42175297152507298982012-05-21T13:38:30.293-04:002012-05-21T13:38:30.293-04:00I vote for you! Looking forward to your pages.I vote for you! Looking forward to your pages.Taylor Martindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17927088375331596378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-45395006439808563712012-05-20T11:59:44.226-04:002012-05-20T11:59:44.226-04:00I really enjoy the imagery that is present within ...I really enjoy the imagery that is present within the prose. An interesting voice I would like to hear more from.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-37238099833333311092012-05-19T16:32:47.289-04:002012-05-19T16:32:47.289-04:00I love when someone can combine genres - magical r...I love when someone can combine genres - magical realism with what sounds like a thrilling mystery! I'm in!Jennie Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02088195986628533511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-43681543514025651232012-05-19T16:12:09.336-04:002012-05-19T16:12:09.336-04:00I love this concept! I also love the friendship be...I love this concept! I also love the friendship between Derek and Eli. Great concept! I also love the line about the gutters hanging like entrails. Fabulous. Good luck to you!Kimberly Gabrielhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05588782441929008886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-56573681903284558062012-05-19T01:36:52.298-04:002012-05-19T01:36:52.298-04:00A troll that is a siren - very interesting.
Goo...A troll that is a siren - very interesting. <br /><br />Good luck!TYHatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00654651712633828288noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-18979849020906688342012-05-18T18:44:20.541-04:002012-05-18T18:44:20.541-04:00The start of your query is amazing! Wow! Good luck...The start of your query is amazing! Wow! Good luck!!Jamie Corriganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11837319723353425561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-48285008260296659652012-05-18T16:33:10.874-04:002012-05-18T16:33:10.874-04:00You had me at the "obey the call of a mysteri...You had me at the "obey the call of a mysterious voice of moss and stones." Wow! Fabulous concept here and I really want to know what happens next.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-77872223723654713112012-05-18T16:10:51.811-04:002012-05-18T16:10:51.811-04:00I really like your premise and the voice here is f...I really like your premise and the voice here is fantastic! Good luck!Sarah Hensonhttp://wordencounters.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-592675667428863562012-05-18T16:01:51.045-04:002012-05-18T16:01:51.045-04:00I love, love, love this concept, and the language ...I love, love, love this concept, and the language in the opening is so vivid. It looks awesome!Becca C.http://beccaweston.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-579779519965131802012-05-18T11:23:51.813-04:002012-05-18T11:23:51.813-04:00Excellent first page and an intriguing concept!Excellent first page and an intriguing concept!Lisa K.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00379245068324225101noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-24346512005727874902012-05-18T08:43:24.825-04:002012-05-18T08:43:24.825-04:00Really cool opening - I immediately want to know m...Really cool opening - I immediately want to know more about Derek and Eli and this troll under the bridge!Jamie Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07504892632149036762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-34243738559152435912012-05-17T21:23:30.419-04:002012-05-17T21:23:30.419-04:00"...the gutters hung from the roof like entra..."...the gutters hung from the roof like entrails." Awesome line. It's visual, evocative, and foreboding, all wrapped in one phrase.<br /><br />Your opening line, too, is awfully good. It establishes immediacy and a very ominous tone while still giving us a subtle glimpse into your protagonist. Good stuff, sir, good stuff.MisterMan01https://www.blogger.com/profile/04674025909556514272noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-7657880607086082562012-05-17T18:00:31.648-04:002012-05-17T18:00:31.648-04:00Dude, yes, yes, yes, I would read this in a heartb...Dude, yes, yes, yes, I would read this in a heartbeat.tlbodinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08334888426768433724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-7643138610377241202012-05-17T15:47:09.686-04:002012-05-17T15:47:09.686-04:00You already know how much I love this, but I had t...You already know how much I love this, but I had to stop by anyway and say good luck...even though you don't need it!The Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07773479939559180654noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-35410021499342317712012-05-17T14:29:59.568-04:002012-05-17T14:29:59.568-04:00I'm with the others. Troll under a bridge? YES...I'm with the others. Troll under a bridge? YES. VERY cool concept ;o)erica m. chapmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14773306703153110737noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-56113187778535714392012-05-17T13:55:08.155-04:002012-05-17T13:55:08.155-04:00This has been a haunting query ever since the firs...This has been a haunting query ever since the first time I read it and I think it's just great :)April Wallhttp://aewelch.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-73462923574693229522012-05-17T13:45:59.645-04:002012-05-17T13:45:59.645-04:00Wow. Intriguing premise.Wow. Intriguing premise.Heather Clarkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13826379973881691514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-78977801141811616452012-05-17T13:32:47.287-04:002012-05-17T13:32:47.287-04:00"He never should have agreed to a 'ride h..."He never should have agreed to a 'ride home' from Derek, never should have ignored his father’s past warning of 'That boy is trying to kill you,' never should have allowed his trust to trump his fear."<br /><br />Talk about a great set-up! Go Team Monica!Ambiguous_Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14401920531742299549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-83636436106841612562012-05-17T13:26:59.956-04:002012-05-17T13:26:59.956-04:00Great job--love that title! I want to read more an...Great job--love that title! I want to read more and find out if Eli jumps!Valeriehttp://www.valerie-cole.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-70015179752023294312012-05-17T12:10:46.994-04:002012-05-17T12:10:46.994-04:00Troll under a bridge??! So awesome!!! And i really...Troll under a bridge??! So awesome!!! And i really heart the idea of a silent call, beckoning them away from the city.Sarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-51916110647978833032012-05-17T11:34:12.447-04:002012-05-17T11:34:12.447-04:00Oooh, dark and eerie and a troll under the bridge....Oooh, dark and eerie and a troll under the bridge. What a brilliant concept. Go Team Monica!!!Kimberlyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01563329666140091151noreply@blogger.com