tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post7550568706273578909..comments2023-10-17T07:00:42.718-03:00Comments on Love YA: Team Mónica #11 -- LEGACYAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00482654021641010175noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-73043572945568427062012-05-22T10:12:45.179-04:002012-05-22T10:12:45.179-04:00#11 LEGACY
Query:
Whoa. There is so much going o...#11 LEGACY<br /><br />Query:<br /><br />Whoa. There is so much going on in this query! I have to say that I had some trouble following all the twists, especially in the second paragraph. Also, Allyson’s transformation into half-dragon in the first paragraph seems to have nothing to do with her adventures in the second. If she uses her new powers to help save her friend, I think <br />that that should be in there.<br /><br />In the first paragraph, Allyson is mentioned by name too often. I’d suggest breaking up the second sentence into two and replacing some “Allyson”s with “she”s: (“…freak. But when SHE…together: SHE is half dragon.)<br /><br />In the second paragraph, I’d use an em-dash instead of a comma between “Bet gets blamed” and “and unicorns solve…” Also, you mention a “unicorn chopping block,” but later Beth’s in danger of hanging. Which one is their method of execution? Keep it consistent. Also, three times in this paragraph you break up a sentence with a colon, and that’s really two times too many for one paragraph. Try to vary the structure some more.<br /><br />First page:<br /><br />A few nits in the first couple of paragraphs: “full figured” should be hyphenated, and there’s a typo: “wining” should be “winning.” I’m also a fan of the series comma, so I’d suggest a comma after “fake gold.”<br />My big question here is how old the girls are, and I realize now that that’s never mentioned in the query, either. I ask because this opening reads to me more like MG than YA…and the fact that searching for her dad is a major plot point also strikes me as more MG than YA. This whole thing reminds me a bit of Helene Boudreau’s REAL MERMAIDS books, which are MG and involve a similar fantastical transformation and parent-search. So if you’re not having luck pitching this as YA, revising to MG might be something to consider.Tara Dairmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02553180762608936696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-64867081279349187992012-05-22T00:18:57.644-04:002012-05-22T00:18:57.644-04:00Love!!Love!!Lizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06376697563995394878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-71619507517746169842012-05-20T14:12:55.628-04:002012-05-20T14:12:55.628-04:00An intriguing premise! And the last line of your q...An intriguing premise! And the last line of your query really hooks me. Good luck!Noelle Henryhttp://noellehenry.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-17990146574846792652012-05-19T16:28:05.645-04:002012-05-19T16:28:05.645-04:00Your first paragraph in the query just pulled me i...Your first paragraph in the query just pulled me in. LOVE it! Such a clever idea.Jennie Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02088195986628533511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-46570436954235661132012-05-19T14:28:38.529-04:002012-05-19T14:28:38.529-04:00I really like this opening scene. I love that the ...I really like this opening scene. I love that the shirt is "too optimistic." I also love this line: "He had a lopsided face, like someone had started baking a cake but stopped halfway through." Good luck to you in the contest!Kimberly Gabrielhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05588782441929008886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-30034608237717003802012-05-19T01:32:56.547-04:002012-05-19T01:32:56.547-04:00Who doesn't wish they were part dragon? Or un...Who doesn't wish they were part dragon? Or unicorn? :) A fun, solid voice in your opening.<br /><br />Good luck!TYHatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00654651712633828288noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-15168268701370759042012-05-18T18:33:27.546-04:002012-05-18T18:33:27.546-04:00Love this! And I too love "Refrigerators are ...Love this! And I too love "Refrigerators are intimidated by Beth." Good luck!Jamie Corriganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11837319723353425561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-66912083740376665152012-05-18T16:04:01.358-04:002012-05-18T16:04:01.358-04:00Love the idea of a half-dragon girl. Good luck!Love the idea of a half-dragon girl. Good luck!Sarah Hensonhttp://wordencounters.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-50075074232886062772012-05-18T15:57:41.887-04:002012-05-18T15:57:41.887-04:00You had me at half-dragon but the voice in the ope...You had me at half-dragon but the voice in the opening just really sells it. Love!Becca C.http://beccaweston.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-47815191633799939092012-05-18T08:37:59.850-04:002012-05-18T08:37:59.850-04:00I love this concept - the opening already had me l...I love this concept - the opening already had me laughing, I can only imagine how funny the rest of this must be! Love it!Jamie Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07504892632149036762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-38774656275314283242012-05-18T08:33:18.403-04:002012-05-18T08:33:18.403-04:00Ha! "Refrigerators are intimidated by Beth.&q...Ha! "Refrigerators are intimidated by Beth." Ohhh, that's a keeper. Whatever you do, when this sells, do not get rid of that line. <br /><br />Love this! Good luck!Leigh Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15827971896088856057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-56657372339966642382012-05-17T23:27:26.502-04:002012-05-17T23:27:26.502-04:00You had me at "accidentally spits fire on kid...You had me at "accidentally spits fire on kidnappers at the mall." Love this!Lisa K.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00379245068324225101noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-44005798632787190822012-05-17T18:12:50.406-04:002012-05-17T18:12:50.406-04:00Ok, two things:
1.) Your 250 words actually had m...Ok, two things: <br />1.) Your 250 words actually had me laughing out loud. ("Refrigerators are intimidated by Beth." ahahaha) <br /><br />2.) I had an astonishingly similar childhood (well, um, up to a point lol). If I'd read this book when I was about 13, it would have been my best-friend book. I can already tell. This is the book I would've carried around with me everywhere and read until all the pages fell out. So, um, KUDOS.tlbodinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08334888426768433724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-8355617505644868302012-05-17T14:15:06.097-04:002012-05-17T14:15:06.097-04:00Ooo Love the query. Dragons AND Trolls? Um, yeah. ...Ooo Love the query. Dragons AND Trolls? Um, yeah. Sign me up ;o)erica m. chapmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14773306703153110737noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-73521375278535068732012-05-17T13:40:53.006-04:002012-05-17T13:40:53.006-04:00Definitely a new take on fantasy creatures. Love i...Definitely a new take on fantasy creatures. Love it!April Wallhttp://aewelch.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-46249822624485342952012-05-17T13:37:41.346-04:002012-05-17T13:37:41.346-04:00Beth sounds fun. And I'm intrigued by your pre...Beth sounds fun. And I'm intrigued by your premise.Heather Clarkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13826379973881691514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-4537560965701443722012-05-17T13:07:18.650-04:002012-05-17T13:07:18.650-04:00I love the way you give so many great descriptive ...I love the way you give so many great descriptive details around the characters! I want to read more. Great job!!Valeriehttp://www.valerie-cole.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-86703462317696664192012-05-17T11:42:36.084-04:002012-05-17T11:42:36.084-04:00Oh my gosh, the descriptions in your 250 words are...Oh my gosh, the descriptions in your 250 words are hilarious! Go Team Monica!Ambiguous_Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14401920531742299549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-64831910897748479182012-05-17T11:42:28.466-04:002012-05-17T11:42:28.466-04:00Love me some Unicorns!!!Love me some Unicorns!!!Sarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-32549502571879191712012-05-17T11:38:57.299-04:002012-05-17T11:38:57.299-04:00This *does* sound amazing! Definitely a fun change...This *does* sound amazing! Definitely a fun change from the usual cast of Fantasy characters!Dahlia Adlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02265012593385220677noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-71275840604009405572012-05-17T11:29:16.294-04:002012-05-17T11:29:16.294-04:00Unicorns, dragons, and trolls. This sounds amazin...Unicorns, dragons, and trolls. This sounds amazing. Go Team Monica!!!Kimberlyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01563329666140091151noreply@blogger.com