tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post2447435897441381036..comments2023-10-17T07:00:42.718-03:00Comments on Love YA: Team Mónica #4 -- ANOMALYAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00482654021641010175noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-5987759256195540992012-05-22T10:06:57.251-04:002012-05-22T10:06:57.251-04:00#4 ANOMALY
Query:
I like the set-up you give us ...#4 ANOMALY<br /><br />Query:<br /><br />I like the set-up you give us in the first paragraph, but I wonder if you can avoid repeating the word “killer.” It packs such a punch in the first sentence, so maybe in the second you can call them future “murderers” or “assassins” or some other synonym?<br /><br />In the last paragraph—I was confused when you called it “Killer Island” because earlier it was called “the Desolate.” Even if one is slang in the book, for the query, keep it simple—pick one and stick with it.<br /><br />First page: <br /><br />Overall, I like this scene and the brisk tone you establish. A few nitpicks: I’d break the first sentence into two, or even consider cutting the second half altogether, after “brain scan.” Then you could use a simple “Still,” to bridge to “my hand shook” and you’re showing us the same emotion without needing to tell us about how Sloan feels.<br /><br />Also, I don’t think you need to call Jasmine a gossipmonger and mention the “gossip quota” in dialogue. You’re hitting the same note twice. <br /><br />And finally, it struck me as clunky when Jasmine said “Zege didn’t pass his brain scan.” If they all take it, wouldn’t they have some slang for it, or just call it a “scan”? You already established in the first sentence that Sloan’s about to have one, so you don’t need to dump too much technical info into the dialogue.Tara Dairmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02553180762608936696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-47555488800603355182012-05-20T15:38:38.984-04:002012-05-20T15:38:38.984-04:00I swear, this looks SO GOOD. Good luck!!I swear, this looks SO GOOD. Good luck!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-5266592242070610112012-05-20T15:32:57.975-04:002012-05-20T15:32:57.975-04:00Reminds me of "No Escape" in all the rig...Reminds me of "No Escape" in all the right ways. I LOVE this premise!Alaskan Ninjahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15302796847867918294noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-86975901415880980342012-05-20T13:36:44.815-04:002012-05-20T13:36:44.815-04:00Wow! Very cool concept and great writing. Good luc...Wow! Very cool concept and great writing. Good luck!Noelle Henryhttp://noellehenry.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-31412939571190555012012-05-20T11:27:29.763-04:002012-05-20T11:27:29.763-04:00Very nice! I love the voice and the whole concept!...Very nice! I love the voice and the whole concept!!Jemi Fraserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02214408467456320167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-86267942039884897372012-05-19T16:54:38.838-04:002012-05-19T16:54:38.838-04:00I really like this story - you had me at the query...I really like this story - you had me at the query letter! Great job!Jennie Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02088195986628533511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-443996872915445172012-05-19T16:31:41.579-04:002012-05-19T16:31:41.579-04:00I want to read this book! Clever wording in your q...I want to read this book! Clever wording in your query - great concept! I can't wait for this to be published so I can read it!Kimberly Gabrielhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05588782441929008886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-6036529681033159392012-05-19T01:47:54.788-04:002012-05-19T01:47:54.788-04:00A very interesting (and scary) premise. True teen...A very interesting (and scary) premise. True teenager in the opening. :)<br /><br />Good luck!TYHatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00654651712633828288noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-30711118818895739922012-05-19T01:18:27.252-04:002012-05-19T01:18:27.252-04:00ooooh, love this! And that last line? I would defi...ooooh, love this! And that last line? I would definitely turn the page! Good luck!MarcyKatehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08303670174583471227noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-55153150337986243332012-05-18T22:55:22.709-04:002012-05-18T22:55:22.709-04:00Teenage killers? A government plot to make them th...Teenage killers? A government plot to make them that way? I'd read this in a minute. Good luck!Michelle Masonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00180842477967297259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-23675593788651080242012-05-18T21:38:59.083-04:002012-05-18T21:38:59.083-04:00Wow - the last line of your query really packs a p...Wow - the last line of your query really packs a punch! Excellent!Lisa K.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00379245068324225101noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-25049847426627939862012-05-18T16:17:51.790-04:002012-05-18T16:17:51.790-04:00Such a cool premise. I can't wait to read this...Such a cool premise. I can't wait to read this! Good luck!Sarah Hensonhttp://wordencounters.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-59455631839112355792012-05-18T16:12:14.855-04:002012-05-18T16:12:14.855-04:00GAH! That excerpt leaves in a terrible spot! Why d...GAH! That excerpt leaves in a terrible spot! Why didn't Zege pass his scan?!<br /><br />I love it, but I've expressed that before. I think it's going to get tons of votes!Becca C.http://beccaweston.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-23914937207569114752012-05-18T12:47:13.623-04:002012-05-18T12:47:13.623-04:00Very cool concept! And an island prison with poten...Very cool concept! And an island prison with potential teen killers is a fabulous setting!<br /><br />Good luck!Ann Bradenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06948850218207863022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-871264562604943392012-05-18T11:59:40.878-04:002012-05-18T11:59:40.878-04:00Gaaaaaaaaaaaah HERE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sloan&...Gaaaaaaaaaaaah HERE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />"Sloan's not a killer."<br /><br />Bahahahaah WE'LL SEE.<br /><br />Love Sloan. Want to hug her, and am also terrified of her. O_o<br /><br />And no, I have not read this book. Though...I wouldn't mind....*bats eyes*<br /><br />Have your people call my people, okay? (Just kidding. I don't have people. You can just...um...DM me. :D)<br /><br />GOOD LUCK!!! Wooooo!Leigh Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15827971896088856057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-48086678219798639192012-05-18T09:57:27.639-04:002012-05-18T09:57:27.639-04:00I love this. Such a great concept! Good luck!I love this. Such a great concept! Good luck!Jamie Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07504892632149036762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-47206764914299880572012-05-18T03:02:48.195-04:002012-05-18T03:02:48.195-04:00Woah!! I already loved this and didn't think ...Woah!! I already loved this and didn't think it could get better but way to go Erica and Monica!!! This is amazing!!!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17089263022220773503noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-47784404766128550542012-05-18T02:28:39.313-04:002012-05-18T02:28:39.313-04:00Still love this and want to read it!! Great job &a...Still love this and want to read it!! Great job & good luck my friend! :)Jamie Corriganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11837319723353425561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-18694707068544268282012-05-17T20:47:33.816-04:002012-05-17T20:47:33.816-04:00April, I was thinking that too! Definitely a compa...April, I was thinking that too! Definitely a comparison I'd be happy about!Ambiguous_Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14401920531742299549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-81880779885315569512012-05-17T18:43:29.036-04:002012-05-17T18:43:29.036-04:00I love that she struggles with the correct command...I love that she struggles with the correct command to close the locker. And my students think remembering their locker combination is hard! :)A.J. Cattapanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12658717054736277339noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-8816431707087144592012-05-17T17:58:42.465-04:002012-05-17T17:58:42.465-04:00Oooo I want to read more! Also, I agree, I want a ...Oooo I want to read more! Also, I agree, I want a Coke Pure now :)Valeriehttp://www.valerie-cole.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-71821987657127689852012-05-17T16:49:20.615-04:002012-05-17T16:49:20.615-04:00LOVE this concept. Good luck!LOVE this concept. Good luck!tlbodinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08334888426768433724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-16733306066415496202012-05-17T16:03:41.700-04:002012-05-17T16:03:41.700-04:00I just love this! Good luck.I just love this! Good luck.Suzihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16502606950280751205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-76337018901838111302012-05-17T15:44:07.597-04:002012-05-17T15:44:07.597-04:00Wicked premise. I'll read it for you. Pick me....Wicked premise. I'll read it for you. Pick me.Heather Clarkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13826379973881691514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200721485261992830.post-42504396255136368682012-05-17T15:26:16.786-04:002012-05-17T15:26:16.786-04:00This sounds even more epic than before. You know I...This sounds even more epic than before. You know I <3 you and I'm rooting for you!Adrien-Luc Sandershttp://www.kowloonbynight.comnoreply@blogger.com