Last week, I offered to critique a
first page, and I randomly picked 2 winners!
Today I’m posting the critiques—first
you will find the page without my comments and below the page with my edits. Feel free to comment, too, but only offer constructive criticism, please.
FIRST
PAGE:
In order to accomplish great things,
I not only have to plan but also believe. That’s what it says in bold yellow
lettering on the inspirational banner hanging above me in our musty school gym.
Matt and I have planned—well, mostly it’s been me, but he’s helping out. And
staring out at this mass of mingling bodies in the darkness, I totally believe.
Matt and I are about to change
lives.
I lean over and yell this into his
ear, trying to be heard over the vibrating speaker to our left. He tilts his
head up, looking away from the computer screen. “A little dramatic, Ivy, don’t
you think?” he says as he sweeps his blond hair out of his eyes.
Maybe. But he’ll see. It is going to
be epic.
My right hand nervously strums on my
thigh as Matt shifts his focus back to the computer screen and continues
preparing our playlist. I stare up at the blue and yellow balloons that cover
the gym ceiling like a latex fog and imagine the lyrical magic that will soon
weave itself between each body and drift into every ear. My heart floats up
like it’s one of those balloons.
I glance once again at Matt, but
he’s still fidgeting with the computer. I’m pretty sure the school-issued
laptop we were allowed to borrow for the dance is from Neanderthal times. I
begin pacing back and forth in a tiny space of anxiety behind Matt. Off to the
right Principal Henry chats with Narc 1 and Narc 2, undoubtedly bored to tears.
The gym is filled mostly with newbie freshmen afraid of their own shadows.
Hardly a soul is dancing, and the gym looks more like a casting call for an
acne medication commercial than it does a high school dance. There’s hardly a
need for the adult police.
FIRST
PAGE WITH COMMENTS:
In order to accomplish great things,
I not only have to plan but also believe. That’s what it says in bold yellow
lettering on the inspirational banner hanging above me in our musty school gym.
[This second sentence tries to cram too much info
in it—the description of the lettering, that the banner is inspirational (even
though we can tell it’s inspirational by reading it), that it hangs above the character,
and that it is in a gym that is also musty… sometimes it’s better to simplify
the sentences so that they read smoother. So maybe it’d be better to split it
or rephrase. Like (rough example): “In order to accomplish great things, I not
only have to plan but also believe,” reads the banner hanging in our school gym. It’s written in bold yellow letters, and I tilt my head up to take
a good look at it...] Matt and I have planned—well, mostly it’s been me,
but he’s helping out. And staring out at this mass of mingling bodies in the
darkness, I totally believe. [I think it’s nice
that this paragraph is round, that you close it by making a reference about what
the MC thinks about the banner. I also like that you give a sense of setting. But
I kind of wanted it to be a bit more specific. Like, it’s a little in the
air—planned what? Believe what? I think you’re missing an opportunity to dig a
little deeper into the character in this paragraph.]
Matt and I are about to change
lives.
[This sentence was
nice, because I instantly wanted to know why the MC thinks they are going to
change lives, but then I was kind of expecting that on the next paragraph you
would delve into this. And you didn’t. So the effect was lost on me. I’m not
saying you need to tell us everything from the get-go, but a little hint about
why she thinks they are going to change lives would be nice.]
I lean over and yell this into his
ear, trying to be heard over the vibrating speaker to our left. [I feel like you could tighten this sentence. Also, you
repeat the word “over” and I was wondering if there’s a way to not do that.
Maybe something like, “I turn to his ear and yell over the loud music.” Because
there’s music, right?] He tilts his head up, looking away from the
computer screen. [Um, wait. Why didn’t you tell us
what she yelled? Also, for some reason, when you said there were mingling
bodies in the darkness, I never pictured a computer. I was picturing just a
dance or a party or something like that. So when you mention the computer, I
felt like out of place. Is there a way you can weave a bit more of setting into
the page so I can picture things from the get-go? Can you say something like
Matt is preparing the playlist before
she speaks to him? Like, maybe, (another rough example): I approach the desk
he’s sitting at, where he prepares a playlist on the computer, and I turn to
his ear…] “A little dramatic, Ivy, don’t you think?” he says as he
sweeps his blond hair out of his eyes. [Since I don’t
know what she said, I’m not sure what is dramatic. I like the visual and
knowing he’s blond, though.]
Maybe. But he’ll see. It is going to
be epic. [What is going to be epic? The playlist?
Something else they are going to do? I kept reading and saw it’s some music
they will put, but right here, it read vague. Maybe you wanted it to be vague
here to hook, but at least for me, withholding info only works when there is a
good reason. Like the MC isn’t thinking about the info because he doesn’t want
to. Or the MC actually doesn’t know the info. Or something like that. Here, the
way it’s written, I want at least a hint of what is going to be epic for it to
work for me.]
My right hand nervously strums on my
thigh as Matt shifts his focus back to the computer screen and continues
preparing our playlist. [This sentence read a bit
awkward for me. First, do we really need to know it’s the “right” hand? It’s nice that
you’re being specific, but in this case, I don’t care if it’s the right or left
hand. It’s a modifier that doesn’t add much. Also when you use the word “as”
connecting two things, it implies that those things happen at the same time.
For the brain, it’s easier to process when one thing happens after the other, not at the same time. That’s why agents and editors don’t like it when
writers use the word “as” as a connector many times. It’s not that you can’t
use it, but it’s always a good idea to rephrase if possible. So I would try to
simplify the sentence a bit.] I stare up at the blue and yellow balloons
that cover the gym ceiling like a latex fog and imagine the lyrical magic that
will soon weave itself between each body and drift into every ear. [This sentence read a bit cluttered and long. Also, is
there a way you can nix the filter (she stares up)? Like just go ahead and show
the balloons covering the ceiling, and since we know this is under Ivy’s POV,
we know she is looking at the balloons already.] My heart floats up like
it’s one of those balloons.
I glance once again at
Matt, but heMatt’s
still fidgetsing with the computer. [Just getting rid of the filter] I’m pretty sure the
school-issued laptop we were allowed to borrow for the dance is from
Neanderthal times. I begin pacing pace back and forth in a tiny space of anxiety behind Matt. [When you started saying “tiny space of…” I thought you
were going to say something about a physical place. I can’t picture what a
“tiny space of anxiety” is exactly. I get that she paces because she’s anxious,
but I’m not sure you need to spell it for us. I think subtlety would work
here--by just saying she paces we get she’s anxious.] Off to the right, Principal Henry chats with Narc 1 and Narc
2, undoubtedly bored to tears. The gym is filled mostly with newbie freshmen
afraid of their own shadows. Hardly a soul
is dancing, and the gym looks more like a casting call for an acne medication
commercial than it does a high school dance. There’s hardly a need for the
adult police. [Can you make the descriptions less
passive? With other verbs? “Is” is a tell-y verb.]
Overall, I like that
we get to know a little of the MC in this first page—that she plans, and that
she’s a determined person. Contemporary YA is selling nowadays, so with a
little polish and by trying to be more precise in your next draft, I think this
will be nice. Good luck with this MS!
----------
FIRST
PAGE:
“It
all began with a shoe on the wall. A shoe on the wall shouldn't be there at
all.”
~
Dr Seuss
CHAPTER ONE
Right, so the shoe on the wall. That was where the whole thing started. I was
going out with James McCarthy, who was really unpopular and really, really
smart. Before we’d started dating about a month ago, I’d admired him from the
back of the biology class. He was really good at cutting up rats. And
modelling DNA. When he asked me out, it was all I could do not do faint in
nerdy happiness. I mean, sometimes he did stupid things, or weird things, but
we were having fun together.
And then he came to my room. And saw my doll shoe collection.
‘Why are there shoes on your wall, Jess?’ he said, poking one.
‘Um. I collect them.’
‘Really? Doll shoes? Why the hell don’t you collect…I don’t know, stamps
or something?’
‘Everyone collects stamps. Nobody collects doll shoes.’
‘Yeah, I wonder why.’
I whacked him, laughing. ‘Shut up.’
But the whole time we were in my room, just talking, James kept looking at the
bloody shoes. Little tiny doll shoes arranged in rainbow order. I’d been
collecting them since I was six. And really, who wouldn’t stare at a
doll shoe collection? It wasn’t exactly common. But all the same, it was the
beginning of the end. Maybe what happened next was a direct result of the doll
shoes. It probably wasn’t, but still. That was where it all started.
And then came the family party.
FIRST PAGE WITH COMMENTS:
“It
all began with a shoe on the wall. A shoe on the wall shouldn't be there at
all.”
~
Dr Seuss
[I usually don’t care about
books starting with quotes, but this one worked for me because it’s totally
related with the first paragraph. Plus, who doesn’t love Dr. Seuss? I thought
it was cute.]
CHAPTER ONE
Right, so the shoe on
the wall. That was where the whole thing started. I was going out with James McCarthy, who
was really unpopular and really, really smart. Before we’d started dating about a
month ago, I’d admired him from the back of the biology class. He was really
good at cutting up rats. [The first sentence that had “reallys”
worked for me, but the repetition of the word “really” in this last sentence didn’t. I thought
it was too much.] And modelling DNA. [I’m
pretty sure you’re writing in British English (with the “bloody” down
there and the way you use the single quotations), but just in case you want to
write in U.S. English, modelling would go
with just one “l”] When he asked me out, it was all I could do not do
faint in nerdy happiness. I mean, sometimes he did stupid things, or weird
things, but we were having fun together. [I enjoyed
the first paragraph, and I think it could be even better still. Now it’s sort
of tell-y—like the MC is explaining how everything began and she’s also telling she admired him in class, without the dramatization. Which isn’t bad—in fact,
many books start off with a tell-y paragraph to explain things. But I wonder if
there’s a way you could begin the book with things that are happening in the
moment. Like (rough example): “James
McCarthy stepped into my bedroom, and his eyes zeroed in on my wall, where my
doll shoe collection was. It was the first time he came here—he, this unpopular
and really, really smart guy I admired—and now he was staring at something that
embarrassed me a little.” Okay, I totally made up some things there—like I
have no idea if she’s embarrassed—and there are some lame words there, but it’s
just an example to explain what I mean by starting the book with something that’s
happening right then.]
And then he came to my
room. And saw my doll shoe collection. [Try not to
start so many sentences with the word “And,” and when you do, use them
sparingly and with a purpose. We’re just in the second paragraph and you have
three sentences starting with the word “And.” Below, you have a couple starting
with “And” too.]
‘Why are there shoes on your wall, Jess?’ he said, poking one. [I’d like to visualize the shoes well. Later on you say
they are in a rainbow order. Are they like glued on the wall in that order? Or
displayed in a shelf on the wall like that? I think maybe it’d be nice to move that rainbow
thing a bit up so that when they start talking about shoes I can picture the
setting well.]
‘Um. I collect them.’
‘Really? Doll shoes? Why the hell don’t you collect…I don’t know, stamps
or something?’
‘Everyone collects stamps. Nobody collects doll shoes.’ [I like this interaction.]
‘Yeah, I wonder why.’
I whacked him, laughing. ‘Shut up.’
But tThe
whole time we were in my room [consider something more
specific, like: The whole time we sat on my bed…], just talking, James
kept looking at the bloody shoes. Little tiny doll shoes arranged in rainbow
order. I’d been collecting them since I was six. And really, who wouldn’t
stare at a doll shoe collection? It wasn’t exactly common. [Up to here it worked for me, and I liked it. But then--I
know it’s just a personal preference--but I don’t like it when the MCs
foreshadow so “in the face.” I think there are more subtle ways for
foreshadowing without saying things like “it was the beginning of the end.” And
the way you say “what happened next” makes me think yet again that things aren’t
happening right there and then, and I think that isn’t as fun, because if the
things already happened is like I’m reading a flashback all the time, and
flashbacks aren’t usually as fun as reading things in the present (not necessarily
in present tense, though)—at least not for me. I like to discover
things at the same time the character discovers them, that way, I feel totally in the loop. Then again, this is just a personal preference.]
But all the same, it was the beginning of the end. Maybe what happened next was
a direct result of the doll shoes. It probably wasn’t, but still. That was
where it all started.
And then came the family party.
Overall, I think this
was nice, and I would definitely keep reading. I would enjoy it even more if everything
happened “in the scene,” like I said, but that’s just me. I’m intrigued with
the doll shoes and the boy looking at them, and about what will happen next.
Good luck with this!
If you liked my
comments and want me to edit your pages, too, I’m available now. You can find
more info on the Editorial
Services Page.
