One
of the things I’ll be looking for on the Pitch
Wars entries is the ability to show versus tell. Well, and not only in Pitch
Wars, but in the other contests I host, like The
Writer’s Voice, too.
So today,
I’ll be giving a few tips about how you can either identify when you’re telling,
and how you can improve that.
1) Filters:
When you say “I
knew,” “I think,” “I see,” you are telling the reader what the MC knows, what he
thinks, what he sees, INSTEAD of just going ahead and showing what the MC
knows, thinks, and sees.
Examples:
“I wonder if it’s
a good idea.” --> “Is it a good idea?”
“I knew he was
right.”--> “He was right.”
So always, try
to nix the filter… UNLESS you want to accomplish something else with the
filter, like voice, or like foreshadowing something, like:
“He is the
murderer, I’m sure.”
In that case
above, adding “I’m sure” foreshadows that the MC can be wrong. And if the MC
says “He’s the murderer,” then you’re not foreshadowing anything. He *is* the
murderer, then, the readers will think.In other words, use filters knowingly.
2) Telly Verbs:
Watch
out for these: “is, are, am, etc.,” and verbs like “feel.”
First
work on identifying these type of verbs. Then you can change them.
Example:
“The
wave was big.” --> ”The
wave rolled forward and swelled, towering over the ships of the bay.”
“I
am scared.” --> “Holy crap, where did I leave my
taser?”
“What
he’s doing is dangerous.” -->
“He’s driving ever so fast, catching speed, aiming directly at that cliff.”
3)
Naming Emotions:
This
one is like the example above of the taser--when you name an emotion, like “She’s
nervous.” Or “He was upset.” etc. When there’s the name of an emotion in your
MS, then you probably are telling the reader how the character feels instead of
showing how he feels.
Examples:
“I’m
angry at him.” --> ”That
@#$%&, he’s so full of himself. He should rot in hell.”
“I’m
frustrated.”--> “Oh, come on! Give me a freaking
break.”
4)
Subjective Adjectives:
If the adjectives are subjective, like
beautiful, pretty, ugly, etc, it won’t convey a visual to the reader—you won’t
be able to show what you mean well. Because something that is pretty for
someone could be ugly for someone else. Always try to choose objective
adjectives.
Example:
“Her
hair was so pretty.” -->
“Her honey-colored hair shined, and when he touched it, it felt soft, like…
[um, I can only think silk right now,
haha! But “soft as silk” is so cliché. Still. You get what I mean, right? =) ]”
There
are other ways to identify telly places, like watching out for “info dumpy”
paragraphs, not using dialogue when you could, etc. But this post is getting
long, so that’s all for today, folks!
Hope
it helps!
Looking
forward to reading your entries next week!
<3
Mónica
This is great! I'm sharing it around :-D
ReplyDeleteThanks! =D
ReplyDeleteAs much as I try the first time around, I am ALWAYS fixing this stuff in subsequent drafts. I need constant reminders how to do this. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteOh trust me, my first drafts are full of filters and telly verbs and everything too! :P
DeleteGreat reminders here with terrific examples. I will be sharing this link on my blog. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteAww, thanks for sharing the link. =D
DeleteI laughed at this example. “I am scared.” --> “Holy crap, where did I leave my taser?”
ReplyDeleteHee hee! :D
DeleteThis is a really helpful post. I love the "I'm angry at him" one.
ReplyDeleteOh, thanks so much! I'm really glad it helps! XO
DeleteThese are great! Going back to reread my MS right now.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you liked them! Good luck. :)
DeleteYES! All of this x1000!
ReplyDeleteSpot on!
=D XOXO
Delete"Where did I leave my taser?" Ha ha! Love it! Great post!
ReplyDelete*giggles*
DeleteAwesome post, Monica! You've provided some EXCELLENT examples of showing. I wish my new story was ready for Pitch Wars, but I'll be rooting on the entrants! Good luck and enjoy!
ReplyDeleteThanks, hun! Oh, and I hope you finish that story soon!! xoxo
DeleteGosh, I hope you find your taser! Fantastic advice and I LOVE the examples.
ReplyDeleteFOUND IT!! lol.
Deletethanks, hun. <3
So succinct in your explanations. Wonderful post. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gayle! Glad you liked it. =D
DeleteI'm going to swing this sword of editing at my Nano draft and see if I can get it whipped into shape! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteGood luck, and thank YOU for stopping by! :)
DeleteThanks. I never really thought much I about the I see, I think, etc. or naming the emotions. Don't think I do much of the first one, but I'll have to watch for those in the future just to make sure along with the emotions.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! =D
DeleteGreat tips.
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked them. <3
DeleteAwesome post. I will use these keys when writing my next short story
ReplyDelete