THUMP
YA Contemporary
60,000 words
Query:
Sixteen-year-old
Hailey Scott was sure her ex-boyfriend’s cheating shattered her heart. Turns
out, it’s not broken—it’s just sick. Diagnosed with hypertrophic
cardiomyopathy, a life-threatening condition that can result in sudden cardiac
arrest, Hailey is sure her heart will never be the same. After handing in her
title of cheerleading captain and her brand-new driver’s license, Hailey realizes
she must keep her condition a secret if she wants any shot at a normal life.
Refusing to live as
the girl with the ticking time bomb in her chest, Hailey sneaks into a club to
see Madison Avenue, the hottest new local band. There, she crashes
into the band’s drummer, Declan, whose wild but rhythmic beats make her heart thump.
Together, Hailey and Declan wreak havoc through the mall, crash the homecoming
dance, and search for the perfect snare drum. As she navigates their
relationship around her disease and her overprotective mom, the walls of
Hailey’s heart grow weaker—forcing her to decide if falling in love one last
time is worth the risk.
I stand in front of the TV, blocking my parents’
view. There’s a commercial break so I have their attention.
“I’m just staying the night at
Leah’s.”
“I don’t know…” My mom glances over
to my dad. If it were up to her, I’d be strapped to a hospital bed, hooked up
to a bunch of bleeping machines.
If my parents knew where I was actually
going tonight, they’d be mad. Really, really mad. Like
murder-me-themselves-instead-of-waiting-for-the-inevitable mad. But this ache in my chest, it won’t
let up. I just need to get out of here—forget that I have a diseased heart and drown
out the pain now—before it kills me. That is, if they’ll let me go.
“All we’re going to do is watch
movies. And make popcorn.” I look at my dad with big, pleading eyes. Like good, healthy girls do.
“Hailey,” he says in that way that
makes me feel like I’m five. “I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.” My mom
nods. I open my mouth to say something, but he holds up a hand. “You should
take it easy tonight.”
“I can take it easy at Leah’s
house.” I’m talking too fast. I’m going to blow this. “I promise, I won’t
overexert myself. I’ll lie around all night. We’ll go to bed early. And I’ll—”
There’s a honk in the driveway, and
I flash him one more desperate look. Please,
please just let me go. If that doctor is right, I might not have that much time
left.
What a fantastic first page. I just want to reach through and say, "yes, yes, you can go!!!" Poor girl :-). Go Team Monica!!!
ReplyDeleteLove those opening sentences! The pull you right in!!! Go THUMP!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written! Love your character!
ReplyDeleteLove this! And LOVE the title!
ReplyDeleteWow, this page pulled me right in. Go Team Monica!
ReplyDeleteI would SO read this. You sucked me right in. Great job!!
ReplyDeleteLOVE, obviously. ::Sigh:: What is it about musicians??
ReplyDeleteI want to cry over this one, and I haven't seen anything past the first page. Great title, great play on the theme, great job!
ReplyDeleteLove the voice ... and your whole first page. Where's the rest?
ReplyDeleteSo excited you're here too. You've got a great story! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteYou know a book is awesome when I'm slavering for the next page, and I don't even read this genre at all. *makes grabby hands*
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome! I really am wondering about that disease and how she handles it! And falling for a drummer - hot stuff! Great voice! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI remember seeing this earlier, nice work on the edits. Good luck with your writing :)
ReplyDeleteLove this! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAwww...I love poor Hailey! Loving the changes and the concept, but you already know that. ; ) Good luck, V!
ReplyDeleteSo awesome - I would totally read more. The query is fantastic and I love the first page! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt's THUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMP!
ReplyDeleteThis is another MS I've been stalking - er...watching carefully for impending success. :)
Really, it sounds amazing - heartbreaking and sweet. So much luck!!!
This sounds really great, what a compelling query!
ReplyDeleteThis looks so fantastic - the stakes are intense and it sounds edgy and heart-tugging. Love!
ReplyDeleteI don't read a love of contemporary, but I love this. The voice is just so good! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI sense many tears falling while reading, but I want to read this! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI love your query. It's both touching and vibrant, an impressive combination.
ReplyDeleteI ache for her, and want her to live while she can. Definitely pulled me in.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I still love this entry - great concept, great opening scene...I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteThe first two lines of your query made me wish that I had written them! ;-) This is such a great idea - I love it! You left me wanting to read more!
ReplyDeleteKiller premise! I can see this working.
ReplyDeleteReally nicely done. Love the title and the whole concept - good luck!
ReplyDeleteLoved your query. I remember in high school it felt like the end of the world if my parents said no (especially if it was something fun they didn't know about) ;). I sympathize for her and want her to enjoy this night since she's lost so much already. Can't wait to read more! Good luck!
ReplyDelete:) Joanna (WriterRowland)
I loved this the first time I read it! Would LOVE to read more! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOkay I was trying not to say it, but... HEARTBREAKING. Ugh. This story seems like it would tug my strings, hard. So good. Best luck.
ReplyDeleteI vote for you.
ReplyDeleteI vote for you!
ReplyDeleteI vote for you!
ReplyDelete#1 THUMP
ReplyDeleteQuery:
This is nice and tight, and you do a good job of working the heart metaphor in throughout the query without overdoing, I think. I really can’t find anything to pick on here—well done!
First page:
I like your MC’s description of exactly how mad her parents would get if they knew where she was going. However, I think that you’re dumping too much info overall into your first page. I think that if you left out the aside about the diseased heart and drowning the pain and just let us wonder why she promised not to exert herself, it would be more intriguing and entice the reader to turn the page and find out more.
Also, the ache in her chest—is that meant to be physical or metaphorical? I think the latter, but given the subject of the book, I think a different metaphor would be a better fit here, because if her heart’s actually in pain and she wants to sneak out anyway, I lose my sympathy for her and just think she’s being irrational.