THE FAMILY VYGIL
MG Magical Realism
56,000 words
Query:
Jonathan Vygil is convinced he has the strangest
parents ever. And he’d be right, but for all the wrong reasons. They aren’t
obsessed with rescuing exotic animals – they’re busy saving monsters.
After turning twelve, Jonathan begins hearing
disembodied voices that make him wonder if he’s going nuts. Spurred by their
urgent cries for help, he ventures into prohibited areas of the Vygil mansion
where he passes out cold when he’s frightened by Tertulius, a genuine monster. Later,
once his parents assure him he isn’t crazy, Jonathan hears them out as they
explain monsters aren’t make-believe or evil. He then joins the Vygil Pact, his
family’s secret society that ensures the protection of all monsterdom. To
become a full-fledged member, he must train with Tertulius where he'll learn
why the existence of monsters is vital to all life on Earth.
But before his instruction begins, Tertulius
disappears and Jonathan hurdles headlong into a frantic search for his guide.
Through his journey, Jonathan realizes many people desire the rare creatures
his family protects. The most perilous among them is The Plague, a family as intent on destroying the monsters as the
Vygils are to save them. If Jonathan fails to find Tertulius in time, The Plague will go seeking out their
next victims – his parents.
First
page:
Jonathan dreaded this time of the
year. He’d already wasted most of his afternoon battling the ravaging hordes
instead of doing chores. Their blood lust was unquenchable. No matter how many
times they were caught and dispatched, they came back for more.
Suddenly, Jonathan was
attacked from behind. He swatted the enemy with all his might and tallied his latest
kill. “993,” he said, flicking the dead mosquito from his neck.
Sweat trickled into Jonathan’s
eyes, causing them to sting. In mid September in Georgia, the temperature still
hovered around 90 degrees and the air was thick. If the heat wasn’t reason enough
to work up a sweat, trying to protect his precious blood supply was. The
mosquitoes plagued the town, which made the thought of going outside
unbearable. Jonathan didn’t have the luxury of hiding indoors, though. Outside
responsibilities needed his attention, per his mother’s instructions. Like a
dutiful son, he braved the outdoors to take care of the tasks. But dutiful
didn’t mean a fair amount of grumbling hadn’t been involved.
He crouched down in his
mother’s garden pulling out stubborn weeds while the merciless sun beat down on
his back. It was as though Mother Nature was baking cookies and left the oven
door wide open. The cicadas overhead made the pine trees vibrate with their
singing. Jonathan desperately wanted to finish up so he could get out of the muggy
heat, but his mind strayed far from the task at hand.
This sounds like such a fun story. And I love the first page because mosquitoes are the worst kinds of monsters :-). Go Team Monica!!!
ReplyDeleteI know i've said this before, but i love the idea of a family protecting monsters
ReplyDeleteI have had the privilege of reading this entire book. It's creative, funny, original, and pure fun to read. Way to go April, you hit this one out of the park.
ReplyDeleteJen
This is such a great storyline.I remember myself 'the doing of the chores' routine grumbling all the while in my childhood,but then the idea of monsters in the midst would have been a refreshing relief to the boredom of everyday life as a childs mind views it.
ReplyDeleteAwesome voice and setting. I'd love to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThis voice is still great! Go Team Monica!
ReplyDeleteOoo the Monsters!! Great voice, great story!! Anything with monsters is just about the coolest thing around ;o)
ReplyDeleteI think this is a monstrously good story. Great job!!!
ReplyDeleteI want to read more! I love stories like this, might be a movie in the making. Great start to a great book. Great job!!
ReplyDeleteYou can't go wrong with monsters. Also, I just love that there's MG magical realism. Most awesomest thing.
ReplyDeleteI lOve magical realism! And I love the idea of monsters living among us!
ReplyDeleteLove the polishing you've done! Nicely done :)
ReplyDeleteThe query reminds me a bit of the Sci-Fi show Sanctuary. Very cool! Good luck with this one!
ReplyDeleteOh, wow! Secret monsters in a mansion? And do I detect a morally ambiguous villain? YES PLEASE.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Sounds fun! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteLove it just as much as I did when I read it in the initial contest - a boy saving monsters! I want to read it!
ReplyDeleteSounds like such a great MG story! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat voice! Love this! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE that he starts off by fighting hoards of mosquitoes! Relatable and (I'm sure) a hint at things to come. Very cool!
ReplyDeleteOoh...what a fabulous concept! I would love to read this.
ReplyDeleteYou had me at "Mother Nature was baking cookies and left the oven door wide open." Actually, sooner than that, but love this. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteLoved the 'kill count'. lol I'm sure my son would enjoy this story.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I've read a number of books in this genre and can tell this ones going to be a winner...hope it's published soon so I can buy for my grandson.
ReplyDeleteMe too. I love the idea and love the writing too!
DeleteCan't wait to read the rest. Wonderful story telling.
ReplyDeleteLOVE the idea! Would love to read the whole book!
ReplyDelete#1 - Love the concept of saving monsters. #2 - Your opening is brilliant. Catches me off guard and drwas me in! Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteWow, April! I've always considered Russ the most creative person I know, but you may have him beat! Your home must be full of imagination! Congrats!
ReplyDeleteNothing short of brilliant. Truly. This book would be a must have for all of my nephews (and, of course, me but that kind of goes without saying). Excellent job!!
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome! I can tell why this got picked. Great query, great plot, and awesome voice! Great job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteSounds like a lot of fun with some serious stakes! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWhat a fun, interesting story! My boys would love this one! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved the story and I wanted to keep reading...which is unusual for me. I have 3 grandchildren that would also adore this! Keep up the good work. Good Luck!!!! This is for sure a winner!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat MG premise! This sounds like it would really appeal to MG boys, which is a hard market to hit I've been told! Best luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat read...Hope it gets published in its entirety. Wonderful job April. I enjoyed it immensely.
ReplyDeleteSounds fantastic! Would love to read the whole book! Good luck April!
ReplyDeleteWow! Sounds like a great read! I have shared this with family members (young and old) and everyone wanted more. Awesome job!!
ReplyDelete#6 THE FAMILY VYGIL
ReplyDeleteQuery:
What a great hook—I love this idea! The intro paragraph is terrific.
I think that you could pare down on the subsequent paragraphs, though. You can cut the parts in which he wonders if he’s nuts and his parents explain that he isn’t crazy; I think all of that is implied by the situation. (Also, you need a comma in the 2nd paragraph between “Tertulius” and “where”…though actually, I don’t think “where” is the right word here. You could just replace “where he’ll” with “to” and skip the comma.)
I’m also a bit confused about why a family is named “The Plague” and why that has to be italicized. It’s usually good practice to avoid using any special fonts in a query, since you never know how they’ll look when they make it through the servers into the agent’s inbox.
First page:
I think it’s really cute how you start us off with a raging battle against…mosquitoes. =)
Last paragraph: you could use a comma between “garden” and “pulling.”
You set the scene nicely—I can feel the Georgia heat—but there doesn’t seem to be a lot more going on otherwise. Where’s the tension? If you can find a way to get the reader invested in the situation a little faster, I think it would serve the story well.