KISSED
Speculative
YA
70,000
words
Query:
Trapped
in a dark cult, sixteen-year-old Naomi Aren has lived a quiet, albeit unhappy,
life nestled deep in the hills of the Ozarks.
With uncut hair, denim skirts, and only roses for friends, Naomi seldom
questions why her life is different from other kids at school. Until the day
her abusive father, who is also the cult’s leader, announces her wedding. Naomi
must marry Dwayne Yerdin, a bully who reeks of sweat and manure and is the only
one person who scares her worse than her father.
Then
she meets Kai, the mysterious boy who brings her exotic new roses and stolen
midnight kisses. Kisses that bring her a supernatural strength she never knew
she had. As the big day approaches,
Naomi unearths more secrets about her father’s cult. She learns she has power
of her own and while Kai may have awakened that power, Naomi must find a way to
use it to escape Dwayne and her father—without destroying herself.
First
page:
Birthdays are supposed to be
special. Like my Kaiser Wilhelm
rosebushes. They bloom once a year, huge
violet and crimson cups full to bursting with petals. When I part the petals with my nose and
inhale, I go weak in the knees from the fruity perfume. But my birthdays are more like the daisies
that grow alongside the roses. Ignored.
#
The sink looked odd next to our
front door. My mother had it installed
after I kept tracking in dirt and fertilizer.
I washed the soil off my hands with the warm water and used a file to
clear the dirt out from under my nails.
Then I exchanged one dirty pair of ugly tennis shoes for a pair of clean
ugly tennis shoes and made my way into the kitchen.
Paint on the cabinets peeled away in white
curls. A single light bulb gave enough
light to cook but not enough to read a recipe.
My mother stood by the tiny window, her bottle blonde hair twisted in a
bun on the back of her head. She wiped her hands on her apron. And then smoothed a stray hair from my
braid. I knelt down to tie my shoes,
anything to avoid her touch.
“Wash your face. We have guests for dinner.” My stomach knotted. I tied and untied my shoes three times,
buying time to think of how to respond.
Years ago my father had closed our home to visitors. No one crossed our
threshold.
Awesome setting AND an awesome romance? Yes please!
ReplyDeleteLove love love....yay!!!! So excited!!!
ReplyDeleteSo much Drama! It is engaging from the first paragraph, definitely literature falling into the "can't put it down" category!!
ReplyDeleteYay! I love the idea of her living in a cult!
ReplyDeleteHooked!
ReplyDeleteLove it love it love it!!
ReplyDeleteLove that opening paragraph! I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteFascinating. I would live to read on. Need a beta?
ReplyDeleteLoved it first time I read it, still love it, so yeah love it!
ReplyDeleteGreat stuff!! I love mysterious boys and midnight kisses. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteI still love the descriptions in this. Go Team Monica!
ReplyDeleteThis is such an intriguing premise with great writing... I would definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteHave really enjoyed reading bits and pieces over Virginia's shoulders. Once I 'm not working 15 hour days i'll have to read the whole thing... Good luck
ReplyDeleteThis is really, really excellent. I'm completely hooked.
ReplyDeleteThis looks very interesting. I'd definitely read it. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThe first page is thoroughly engaging and beautifully written. I absolutely want to read more.
ReplyDeleteReally interesting premise - the query immediately has me asking what sort of powers she has and the opening is already full of dread and suspense. Love it!
ReplyDeleteWow. Love the image of a girl in her rose garden. So innocent and so weird at the same time. Definitely some creepiness and suspense going on here - awesome! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI loved this the first time around, and I still love it. Your use is details in your excerpt is amazing!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!!
Oh wow, I just love the feel of this! Sounds very awesome and romantic, and what a great premise! I love the rose garden thing! :D
ReplyDeleteThis just looks so intense and the opening is so well-written!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely love this. Your changes are perfect. I can't wait to see this on shelves! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteLove this! And who doesn't love midnight kisses?! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteForeboding! Loved where this ended, leaving me wanting to know WHY nobody has been invited in.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
This is fantastic. I liked it on the first round, but it moves so smoothly now. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI agree - this leaves me wanting more. I loved your query too - the last paragraph especially. Good luck to you in the contest!
ReplyDeleteI really want to read this entire book! And wow was this powerful: a bully who reeks of sweat and manure and is the only one person who scares her worse than her father. Awesome job!!
ReplyDeleteGreat concept! It's very unique. And you have a great voice. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI vote for you!
ReplyDeleteI vote for you!
ReplyDeleteI vote for you!
ReplyDeleteI vote for you!
ReplyDeleteI vote for you!
ReplyDelete#10 KISSED
ReplyDeleteQuery:
I like how economical this query is—you lay the story out for us without too much beating around the bush.
A few nitpicks: The word “nestled” in the first sentence to describe Naomi’s life threw me a little bit; I think it would be OK to describe a town as “nestled in the Ozarks,” but not a life. I think you can just lose that word and the sentence will be cleaner.
And I think that the fragment “Until the day her abusive father… wedding” would be more effective combined with the previous sentence: “…other kids at school—until the day…”
First page:
I LOVE the first paragraph—a simple and perfect introduction to the character’s life and her rose passion.
You have some lovely descriptions in the rest of it, but I don’t understand why, if the MC lives there, she would be suddenly noticing all of these details about the cabinet paint and her mother’s dyed hair. It feels like the author trying to give me information that the character would be used to already. Perhaps you could work those in later, as she reflects on how poor they are, or something?
Also, I associate “tracking” with feet, so I don’t see how the sink would help with that, since she doesn’t wash her feet in it. Is the sink really important? Because you could impart the same information just by having her need to change her shoes.
So, a couple of logic problems for me, but I really like the writing and think that this could be really strong with a few tweaks.