Thursday, May 17, 2012

Team Mónica #2 -- TAGESTRAUM


TAGESTRAUM
Adult fantasy
88,000 Words

Query:

Adrian Montgomery’s ex-wife calls his efforts as a social worker a “hero complex,” but Adrian never saw it that way.  Then again, his wife never knew about his sister; or the guilt he feels for his role in her fatal accident. Nobody knows because Adrian hasn’t talked about her for twenty-five years.  He’s never mentioned the nightmares, either – the ones where a cloaked man comes to take him away.  Over time, Adrian learns to forget his dreams and lock away his memories in carefully sealed rooms in his mind. 

All of that changes when one of his clients, seven-year-old Nathaniel Weaver, disappears from his backyard.  The only clue about his whereabouts is a drawing he left behind depicting a familiar tall, cloaked man.  Obsessed with solving the disappearance, Adrian visits Nathaniel’s home and finds a doorway where none should be.  On the other side is Tagestraum, a faerie world built and occupied by human dreams.  Here, the lines between dreams, memories and nightmares are blurred, and lingering too long can shred a human’s sanity. 

In order to find Nathaniel and return home before the world tears them apart, Adrian must face his oldest, darkest memories…and they’re not happy about being forgotten


First page:

The Nightmare Man came today. 
            Adrian could still hear the echo of Nathaniel's words in his mind the words the boy had said when he made the drawing.  The sketch now stared up at Adrian from his coffee table with its wide, blank eyes.  Though drawn in black crayon, it was still recognizable:  a tall cloaked man with a gaping mouth rimmed in teeth like the maw of some deep-sea fish. 
What bothered Adrian about The Nightmare Man wasn’t his menacing appearance or Nathaniel’s insistence on his reality.  It was the nagging feeling of familiarity, the feeling that Adrian had not only seen this creature, he actually knew him in some way.  The first time Nathaniel had shown him the drawing, months ago now, a cold chill had crept up Adrian’s back, a sense of déjà vu that he could not entirely place.  It bothered him.  Now, with Nathaniel missing, it bothered him a whole lot more.
In his hand, the cell phone was sweaty and the heat of the battery was uncomfortable against his palm.  In his other hand, he turned the detective's business card over and between his fingers. Outside, the moon was high and pale in the sky.  A dog barked, somewhere, but otherwise all was still.  


21 comments:

  1. I don't read a lot of adult fiction, but I would read this one. Sounds like an awesome fantasy. Go Team Monica!!!

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  2. I love how creepy this sounds. And i Love scary Fairies. Team Monica FTW!

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  3. That query is fantastic! Go Team Monica!

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  4. OOo The Nightmare Man? Sounds awesome!!

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  5. The Nightmare Man came today? Do what? That first line is nightmare juice! Great, great, great job!

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  6. Love the last line of your query... and awesome opening.

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  7. I love the idea of a Nightmare Man! Good luck! Go Team Monica!

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  8. Holy Cow! How did I miss this the first time around? This was creepy, awesome, and soo exciting. I want to read this book!

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  9. SO creepy - that first line is killer! I would totally read more! Good luck with this!

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  10. I love the last line in the query and the description of the nightmare man - it gives me such a creepy picture in my head. Good luck!

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  11. Blurring the lines between dreams, memories,and nightmares? 0_0 Well, that right there is enough to terrify me. Sounds AWESOME! Good luck!

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  12. You have me at the first line EVERY SINGLE TIME. I love it.

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  13. Another YA reader here who would totally read this. <333 the title and how it fits in with the concept. Beautiful writing in the opener--makes me want to read more!

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  14. You had me at "The Nightmare Man came today." Wow! Good luck!

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  15. Ooh...what a great first line. Excellent query, too. I would love to read this.

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  16. Chilling thought - someone who comes from your nightmares! You rock this, my friend! Awesome query and opening.

    Good luck!

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  17. Very strong query. Fabulous opening line! Good luck to you!

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  18. This is so chilling - I really wish that I could read the entire book! Such a strong 250 words! GREAT job!!!

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  19. Really love the last line of your query! This is so creepy and atmospheric. Very intriguing! Good luck!

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  20. #2 TAGESTRAUM

    Query:

    Watch your tense in the first sentence—queries are in present tense, so you may want to change “never saw it that way” to “has never seen it that way.”

    The first paragraph and a half here read more like the setup for a thriller to me than a fantasy, and I kept waiting to see where the fantasy came in. I wonder if you can hint about the fantastical element earlier…maybe Adrian’s nightmares have never seemed like just nightmares to him?

    That said, I think the query is solid overall. I am sufficiently intrigued and creeped out. =)

    First page:

    You’ve got some nice tension here and waste no time jumping into the plot of the story. I just have a few nitpicks: “The sketch now stared up at Adrian from his coffee table with its wide, blank eyes.” This makes it sound like the coffee table has eyes. Maybe, “From his coffee table, the sketch…” would work better.

    And I think there’s a word missing (another “over”?) in “business card over and between his fingers.”

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