Thursday, May 17, 2012

Team Mónica #4 -- ANOMALY


ANOMALY
YA Futuristic Thriller
68,000 words

Query:

Sloan's not a killer. So when she’s the next seventeen-year-old to get her brain scanned for the government initiative, Project Reform, she never expects to end up in the Desolate, an island full of teens marked as future killers.

On the island, Sloan makes a reluctant friend in her roommate, Fallon, who has a general dislike for every human except her boyfriend--the one guy Sloan hates most. When Fallon transforms into a programmed killer, Sloan believes she’s been brainwashed and hatches a plan to rescue her from the notorious Dark Hill, a prison on the island for the worst of the worst. 

As if that weren't enough to keep her toes curling in her sneakers, Sloan goes on the run with Fallon’s arrogant boyfriend and discovers that he knows more about Killer Island than he’s saying. As Sloan tries to fight a dangerous attraction to him, they stumble onto a plot against the government and find a drug that’s turning the teens on the island into actual killers.

Sloan has a decision to make--save herself or save humanity.



First page:

 
I wasn't a killer, so I had no reason to be nervous about the brain scan, but something tugged at me, something raw and unknown about today.
My hand shook as I reached for my locker. I flexed my fingers, willing the shakes to stop.
Relax, Sloan. But I couldn't. Not yet.
Someone yelled in the congested corridor, cutting off the words rotating in my head. Voices squawked and shrilled in the hallway, like flocks of birds let out of their cages.
I slammed my fist against the door. Why couldn't it just close on the first try?
"Locker close." It gaped open, like a mouth during a scream.
"Close locker?"
It always did this when I was late for class. You'd think I'd remember the correct voice command after three years. I glanced down at my clear wrist-phone.    
"Time?"
The numbers 8:01 AM hovered above my wrist in electric blue, while an ad for Coke Pure projected into the air beside it, then disappeared.
"Locker shut," I growled.
The door closed at a sluggish pace.
Hurried footsteps clomped behind me. I turned and saw my friend and resident gossipmonger, Jasmine, barreling down the hall in tight blue neon pants and hover boots, elbowing people in her way. "Sloan!"
“What?” I said. "Did you finally reach your gossip quota?"
"Smart ass." She leaned against the plastic doors and wrapped a lock of her pink hair around her finger. Her expression grew serious, the lines in her forehead crinkling slightly. “Zege didn't pass his brain scan.”

30 comments:

  1. Holy smokes. Love this one. It sounds so dangerous and tense. A book like this one would keep me up all night. Good Job. Go Team Monica!!!

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  2. You know I love this and I love you, my CP!!! Good luck! <3

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  3. I bet Coke Pure tastes delicious...

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  4. Killer concept! Haha, get it? Killer? Sorry, couldn't resist, but still, this sounds great. Go Team Monica!

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  5. This reminds me of Gattaca but with a YA twist!

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    1. April, I was thinking that too! Definitely a comparison I'd be happy about!

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  6. This sounds even more epic than before. You know I <3 you and I'm rooting for you!

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  7. Wicked premise. I'll read it for you. Pick me.

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  8. I just love this! Good luck.

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  9. LOVE this concept. Good luck!

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  10. Oooo I want to read more! Also, I agree, I want a Coke Pure now :)

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  11. I love that she struggles with the correct command to close the locker. And my students think remembering their locker combination is hard! :)

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  12. Still love this and want to read it!! Great job & good luck my friend! :)

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  13. Woah!! I already loved this and didn't think it could get better but way to go Erica and Monica!!! This is amazing!!!

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  14. I love this. Such a great concept! Good luck!

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  15. Gaaaaaaaaaaaah HERE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!

    "Sloan's not a killer."

    Bahahahaah WE'LL SEE.

    Love Sloan. Want to hug her, and am also terrified of her. O_o

    And no, I have not read this book. Though...I wouldn't mind....*bats eyes*

    Have your people call my people, okay? (Just kidding. I don't have people. You can just...um...DM me. :D)

    GOOD LUCK!!! Wooooo!

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  16. Very cool concept! And an island prison with potential teen killers is a fabulous setting!

    Good luck!

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  17. GAH! That excerpt leaves in a terrible spot! Why didn't Zege pass his scan?!

    I love it, but I've expressed that before. I think it's going to get tons of votes!

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  18. Such a cool premise. I can't wait to read this! Good luck!

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  19. Wow - the last line of your query really packs a punch! Excellent!

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  20. Teenage killers? A government plot to make them that way? I'd read this in a minute. Good luck!

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  21. ooooh, love this! And that last line? I would definitely turn the page! Good luck!

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  22. A very interesting (and scary) premise. True teenager in the opening. :)

    Good luck!

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  23. I want to read this book! Clever wording in your query - great concept! I can't wait for this to be published so I can read it!

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  24. I really like this story - you had me at the query letter! Great job!

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  25. Very nice! I love the voice and the whole concept!!

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  26. Wow! Very cool concept and great writing. Good luck!

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  27. Reminds me of "No Escape" in all the right ways. I LOVE this premise!

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  28. I swear, this looks SO GOOD. Good luck!!

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  29. #4 ANOMALY

    Query:

    I like the set-up you give us in the first paragraph, but I wonder if you can avoid repeating the word “killer.” It packs such a punch in the first sentence, so maybe in the second you can call them future “murderers” or “assassins” or some other synonym?

    In the last paragraph—I was confused when you called it “Killer Island” because earlier it was called “the Desolate.” Even if one is slang in the book, for the query, keep it simple—pick one and stick with it.

    First page:

    Overall, I like this scene and the brisk tone you establish. A few nitpicks: I’d break the first sentence into two, or even consider cutting the second half altogether, after “brain scan.” Then you could use a simple “Still,” to bridge to “my hand shook” and you’re showing us the same emotion without needing to tell us about how Sloan feels.

    Also, I don’t think you need to call Jasmine a gossipmonger and mention the “gossip quota” in dialogue. You’re hitting the same note twice.

    And finally, it struck me as clunky when Jasmine said “Zege didn’t pass his brain scan.” If they all take it, wouldn’t they have some slang for it, or just call it a “scan”? You already established in the first sentence that Sloan’s about to have one, so you don’t need to dump too much technical info into the dialogue.

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